My journey with Audrey Hobert
There are certain albums that become attached to periods of your life whether you intend them to or not.
For me, Audrey Hobert's album “Who’s the Clown?” will always remind me of the summer everything changed. Not entirely that long ago.
When her album came out last August, I listened to it the way I listen to most new releases I’m excited about: obsessively. It became the soundtrack to long drives, errands I didn't want to run, and evenings when I had too much time to think. At the time, I was engaged. My future felt planned out. There was a timeline, a direction, and a version of my life that I assumed I was moving toward.
Looking back, I think I was searching for something before I even knew I was searching.
What I loved about Audrey's music wasn't necessarily that it had answers. It was that it felt honest. The songs felt messy, uncertain, hopeful, confused, and self-aware all at once. They reminded me that growing up isn't a straight line and that not every decision comes with complete certainty. Even though my mom also said these things to me, it resonated with me more through music like most things do.
When I feel something, I listen to a song about it or that I associate with the feeling. A few songs that relate to my mood, whether it be through the instrumentals, words, melodies. etc.
As the weeks passed, things in my own life became harder to ignore. Questions I had pushed aside for months started demanding answers. I found myself paying attention to how I felt when I was alone, when I was with friends, and when I imagined my future.
Eventually, I made one of the hardest yet best decisions of my life, and I ended my engagement.
Even now, writing that sentence feels strange. Not because I regret it at all, but because of how much courage it took to admit that the life I had planned wasn't the life I wanted anymore. No one prepares you for that level of difficulty in this game we call life.
The months that followed were messy. There was grief, relief, confusion, excitement, and guilt. Sometimes all in the same day. I spent a lot of time driving around listening to the same songs, trying to make sense of who I was outside of the plans I had made.
Sue Me. Wet Hair. Bowling Alley. Chateau. Thirst Trap. Sex and the city. Shooting star. Phoebe. Drive. Silver Jubilee. And of course Don’t go back to his ass for obvious reasons. I know yes, I just named the whole album but that is the intensity that I feel for this album. Just wow.
That's why Audrey Hobert's, “Who’s the Clown?” will always mean more to me than just music.
It's a timestamp. It's the sound of realizing that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is change your mind. It's the sound of learning that heartbreak and freedom can exist together. To me, it's the sound of becoming someone new.
Whenever those songs come on now, I don't just hear music. I remember a version of myself standing at a crossroads, terrified of making the wrong choice. And I remember choosing myself anyway. Then I look at my life now and I feel like I have done nothing but begin to blossom into the true version of myself. Makes me pretty happy not gonna lie.
Well there’s some of my lore and how it relates to Queen Hobert herself,
XOXO,
Abbigaile :)